A Conversation between Siblings (or, Big Brother is Watching You)

We’re sitting around the table, enjoying an ice-cream treat. J is 9 years old, Little E is 6 years old and Thumper is nearly 2 years old.

J: I wish I lived in a Bungalow. Then I could have extra rooms for all my ornaments. Every time I get a new ornament, I’ll put it in a triple locked cupboard. Every week I’ll take out the ornaments and polish them. I’ll have to buy lots of polish. And the front door will be quadruple locked for extra security!

Debs G: Okay.

J: SECURITY!!!

Debs G: I feel sorry for your wife.

J: Why?

Debs G: Because she’ll have to spend all her time polishing your ornaments.

J: No no no no no. She’s not allowed to touch the ornaments, because they are MY ornaments. She’s only allowed to look at them while I polish them.

Little E: I don’t want to live in a bungalow. I’m going to live in a farmhouse. I’m going to have a cat and a dog to keep me company. And I’m going to marry my friend Ben.

J: WHAT?! Who is this “Ben”? You’ve never talked about him before. Who is he?

Little E: He’s the one who gave me a kiss on the cheek last week.

Thumper: (waving his spoon) NO NO!

J: (enraged) He did WHAT?! Why didn’t you kick him?!

Little E: He asked me nicely if he could give me a kiss and I said ok.

Thumper: (pointing his spoon at Little E) NO NO!

J: You can’t just go around letting weirdos give you a kiss! If he tries to pull this stunt again, you should give him a kick! A BIG KICK!

Little E: He’s not a weirdo! He’s my friend!

Thumper: (frowning) NO NO! NO NO!

J: Well, we haven’t met him, so he’s must be a weirdo or you would have introduced him to us first before letting him give you a kiss! This is nonsense! He’s not worthy of marrying my sister! If I see him, I’m going to kick him!

Little E: That’s why I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to freak out!

J: WHY WOULD I FREAK OUT?! I’m not freaking out at all. I am totally normal!

Debs G: Little E, the next time somebody in your class asks to give you a kiss or asks you for a kiss, you should tell them that you need to ask your mummy and daddy first, okay?

Little E: Okay, Mummy.

J: And then I will find him and give him a kick.

udders-ice-cream

Enjoying ice-cream at Udders Cafe

Deep Conversations with a 5 year old girl (or, Little E understands pop culture)

Wavy-curly-hair-toddler-girl-hakone-japanDebs G: Okay, Little E, get in the car and buckle up.

Little E: Mummy, I need to go to the bathroom.

Debs G: Can you hold it? We’re almost home.

Little E: Yes, I can wait.

Debs G: Okay good.

Little E: (with some urgency) Mummy, can you go a little bit faster?

Debs G: I’m going as fast as I can but there’s lots of cars on the road today.

Little E: (louder now) Go faster please, Mummy!

Debs G: I can’t, it’s too dangerous!

Little E: (yelling now) LUDICROUS SPEED! GO!!!!!!!

Debs G: (also yelling) My brains are going into my feet!!!!

Debs G achieves a SPACEBALLS trophy!

ludicrous_speed
Picture Credit: TV Tropes

Deep Conversations with a 5 year old girl (or, Little E packs for a trip)

Little E taking a breather and recovering from earlier traumasDebs G: Okay Little E, I want you to go and choose two pairs of shorts and two pairs of trousers and bring them to me.

Little E: Can I choose a skirt too?

Debs G: Yes, you can bring one skirt.

Little E: (rummages in cupboard) Okay, here they are, Mummy!

Debs G: Okay, um…now, how many shorts are here?!

Little E: Five. And one flower skirt. And one pair of jeans. And also these leggings.

Debs G: Okay, we only needed two pairs of shorts, but never mind, I guess if you have leggings and jeans you don’t really need another pair of trousers. (packs them all in the bag) What…what are you doing?

Little E: (rummaging in cupboard) I am getting some tee shirts.

Debs G: Good thinking! You need three tops.

Little E: Okay, here they are, Mummy!

Debs G: Um…right, how many tops are here? There’s eight. You only need three tops. Choose three.

Little E: Okay. I choose these three tee shirts.

Debs G: Good good good…

Little E: And also this Hello Kitty one with the long sleeves.

Debs G: Er…okay. I guess the Hello Kitty one is cute.

Little E: And also this one with the flower that is like the flower skirt.

Debs G: That’s uh…that’s five tops. Okay never mind. I guess you can layer some of these if it gets cold. Now, can you choose one dress to bring.

Little E: Okay, here Mummy!

Debs G: Whoa, that’s fast! But wait now, look here, that is not ONE dress, that is five dresses. Can you just choose one?

Little E: Okay, Mummy! I choose this butterfly one! Look, it is nice and cool and pretty.

Debs G: Very nice! Let’s put that in the suitcase here.

Little E: If it’s cold, I can wear this other blue one, and I can wear the Hello Kitty top underneath it and I will be warm and cosy.

Debs G: Fine, FINE, FINE!

Little E: Also, I can wear this cardigan, this jumper, and these woolly tights. In case it gets cold.

Debs G: Fine, FINE, FINE!!

Little E: And also I can wear this other skirt! And my fancy blouse!

Debs G gives up completely on packing light

 

 

Relative Sanity (An Out of Context Conversation)

Debs G: So, is The Boobook just not up on his Bible knowledge or something?

A Becky Lee: No, he has read Revelations.

Debs G:  Then why was he so confused when we were talking the other day?

A Becky Lee:  Because he couldn’t tell if you were being serious about the whole “iPhones are the mark of the Beast” thing that you were blathering on about.

Debs G:  But I was joking! How could he not know I was joking?!

A Becky Lee: Because The Boobook used to work in retail and every day, there would be people who would visit his shop who honestly believed that iPhones are a sinister government plot to read minds, or are unholy, or something.  These people can be quite violent.  Believe me, I had people like that visit the shop where I worked too.  Don’t you remember the woman who threw the PSP at my head?  So, yeah, he wasn’t sure if you were joking or not.

Debs G:  Well, you need to brief him on our family so that he knows how to deal with our silly discussions.

A Becky Lee:  OK.  I’ll tell The Boobook about this so that the next time we get into this sort of conversation, he’ll know that you’re just being a madwoman.