So, the other day, I was relating a past experience to a coworker when she turned to me and said, “Y’know, you have some really strange things happen to you.”
I thought about this and I realised that yes, I have had a very interesting life. For some inexplicable reason, some very strange things have happened to me over the past 15 years of my life.
I attribute this to the fact that I moved to Australia, land of crazy animals and crazier people, about 15 years ago. Still, I can’t deny the fact that most of the craziest things that happened to me happened while I was still living in my old apartment.
One evening, as I was cooking dinner, I heard a loud thump outside. Being the kaypoh person that I was, I decided to look out onto the balcony, mostly because the thump sounded uncomfortably close.
As soon as I opened the balcony door, there was a loud yowling noise and a huge black cat flew past my face and into the house. This was particularly strange because:
a) There was a ‘no pets’ clause in my apartment building;
b) My apartment balcony isn’t connected to any other balconies in the building, and;
c) I live on the 13th floor in a 16 floor building.
The cat made a beeline for my sofa and dived underneath it. It stared at me with glittering eyes from the darkness under the sofa. So, I did the only sensible thing I could do. I ensured the safety of my pet mice by placing them in one of the cabinets and shutting the door. Then I called Debs G for advice.
A Becky Lee: Debs, there’s a cat in my house.
Debs G: WHAT?! I know you wanted a cat, but the Aged Ps are going to be SOOOOOO CROSS with you. You don’t even have a steady job and you’re studying! How could you buy a cat? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY COST?! HOW MUCH DID IT COST?!
A Becky Lee: It came from the sky.
Debs G: Don’t talk rubbish! Cats don’t come from the sky! If you’re going to make up stories, at least make up plausible ones!
A Becky Lee: I’m going to see if I can pull it out from under the couch.
This proved to be an immeasurably stupid idea because the cat, being both upset and possibly quite angry about having fallen from the sky, clawed my arm into ribbons. So, owtch. I returned to my phone call.
A Becky Lee: It just clawed my arm. What am I going to do with it?
Debs G: Maybe you can return it to the pet shop.
A Becky Lee: My arm, you doofus! What am I going to do about my ARM?!
At this point, I noticed something white fluttering in the breeze somewhere just over my balcony. It was a photograph of the cat, tied to some fishing line, which was being slowly lowered down from above.
A Becky Lee: Hang on, there’s a message coming down from the sky.
Debs G: What?!
The message read, and I quote, “Have you seen this cat?” followed by a picture of a rather familiar black shadow from under my couch. I grabbed the message and fed the string onto my balcony, then I went inside for a pen.
Debs G, by the way, was yelling incoherently for this whole exchange, which was fantastic medical advice, so I hung up on her.
I found a black marker and wrote: IT’S IN MY HOUSE. <HOUSE NUMBER>
Then, I tugged on the line. It started rolling back up.
About 15 minutes later, my doorbell went off. The cat’s owners arrived, a young couple. The woman had been crying – her mascara was running down her face. The guy was sweaty and panting, but otherwise calm. They lived on the top floor. Apparently, they brought their cat out onto the balcony and it took a leaping dive off the edge. Thankfully, the wind managed to blow it back onto my balcony.
They were really relieved that it had survived the trip.
They took it home with them and advised me to wash my arm and put some Savlon cream on it.
And that, my friends, is how I almost owned a cat, but didn’t. The moral of this story is, don’t bring your cat out onto the balcony.
Seriously, don’t do it. Cats get disoriented by heights and often test them by jumping.
Also, never call Debs G for medical advice when a skycat is involved because she is a meanie pants.
 Chicken stir fry with green beans and almonds.